SCALPED

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Monkey Meat

05 16 06 

An old Keetoowah tribal saying - just because monkey think he lion, doesnt mean bear think he lion (a reach but no way we weren't using the bear-eats-monkey photo today).

The slow moving bear that is the University of Colorado has caught and, for all intents and purposes, eaten the arrogant monkey who is Ward Churchill.

The investigative committee charged with reviewing allegations of research misconduct against Churchill has submitted their report
(summary and conclusions). 7 allegations - 7 unanimous findings of deliberate academic misconduct. ug. Three of five members agree that termination would be proper. Even the limpest members called for multiple years of unpaid suspension. And even CU can't screw it up from here.

As much as we craved monkey meat for the past 15 mos., we knew there was only one way to scalp Prof. GreatWhitePieceofShit and make it stick.

Hmmm...tastes like chicken

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Monkey Meat

05 16 06 

An old Keetoowah tribal saying - just because monkey think he lion, doesnt mean bear think he lion (a reach but no way we weren't using the bear-eats-monkey photo today).

The slow moving bear that is the University of Colorado has caught and, for all intents and purposes, eaten the arrogant monkey who is Ward Churchill.

The investigative committee charged with reviewing allegations of research misconduct against Churchill has submitted their report
(summary and conclusions). 7 allegations - 7 unanimous findings of deliberate academic misconduct. ug. Three of five members agree that termination would be proper. Even the limpest members called for multiple years of unpaid suspension. And even CU can't screw it up from here.

As much as we craved monkey meat for the past 15 mos., we knew there was only one way to scalp Prof. GreatWhitePieceofShit and make it stick.

Hmmm...tastes like chicken

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Al Queda in Colorado

05 03 06 

First you have Al Queda corporate. Then Al Queda in Iraq. Finally, Al Queda in Colorado. Unfortunately, the latter just grew by 1 on a day when Al Queda in Hell should be preparing to break the news to its newest member that a) the 40 virgins were a bait-n-switch of the nastiest sort and b) his own audible flatulence is a thing of the past.

For not only are we blessed w/ natural beauty, quality of life and a hockey team who, unlike Detroit, is still playing this season, we are also blessed w/ The United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility (ADX) in Florence or Supermax.

Al Queda in Colorado's starting lineup:

Omar Abdel-Rahman (Islamist terrorist, nicknamed "The Blind Sheik", involved in World Trade Center bombing planning in 1993. Do NOT leave this guy open.)  shooting guard
Richard Reid (semi-retarded "Shoe bomber" terrorist, awaiting Nike signature shoe)  #4
Ramzi Yousef (Islamist terrorist, 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the former Cat Stevens)   point
Ahmed Ajaj (Islamist terrorist, 1993 World Trade Center bombing, rented van in his own name but can hit the 12 ft jumper all day)  small fwd
Mutulu Shakur (Tupac Shakur's Step-father)
OK, so he's not Al Queda but the name works and you know the brotha's got game
 
 center

And reacquired at the trading deadline, Zacarias Moussaoui (Al Qaeda 9/11 retarded martyr or retardyr). Averaged 23.5 daily hours of solitary and no assists over last 4 years. [Late word: also acquired in trade is J. Dahmer's old cleaning partner from correctional facility in Wisc., for future considerations]

military tribunals, military tribunals, military tribunals. A triple double.

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Man, that's gotta hurt

05 02 06 


"Go back where you came from you filthy loser bastards"

Chill vato, we're not talking about the Mexicans. We're talking about the last sports entity that we hate as much as Democrats. Though part of us (and NBC and OLN) were looking forward to renewing the nastiest rivalry in sports, it still is a good day when the #1 Redwings lose in the first round to a #8. Especially w/ the Avs safely waiting for them in the next round.


So trim the face cheese, degrease the mullet and try to convince your husbands/boyfriends to do the same. Your season is once again over early, your pitbulls and meth labs beckon.

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Pay the gals

04 27 06 

Hard-hitting stuff from the RMN. The Colo. State legislature jointly (and fearlessly) approved a resolution that "urges Colorado employers to examine their pay practices and to begin placing increased value on the skills and contributions women bring to the workforce." (This followed ones that declared breathing a good thing, cancer a bad thing and every day as puppy day! Guess who controls this legislature?) Cub reporter April Washington fills us in why such a brave and groundbreaking move was necessary: innies make less than outies and, tragically, brown and black innies make even less than, gasp, white ones.

April is truly doing the Lord's work. Citing solid objective data from The 9to5 Nat. Ass. of Working Women (name your organization after a freaking Jane Fonda movie to ensure the highest level of credibility w/ today's MSM), she reminds us that for every $1.00 Bob makes, Judy makes 76.5 cents, Shanee'qua .68 and Yolanda .57.

And when a traitorous right-wing hag, Sen. Nancy Spence, R-Centennial, betrays her fellow chicks with her paragraph 17 propaganda (i.e. differences in education, types of work and life decisions based on family may actually be the reasons for such disparities) she is quickly minimalized by an intelligent and objective champion of all vaginas. Gretchen McComb, executive director of Women's Foundation of Colorado, trumps Spence by simply citing studies that "show that men and women who perform the same job are evaluated differently, and the difference almost always favors men". (Details of the studies, such as empirical data or who performed them were not provided. no way.)

"These gaps clearly state that employers do not place value on women in the workforce," McComb said.

Clearly? Clearly, Gretchen speaks in platitudes. (Note: this originally read "clearly, Gretchen needs a good outie" but, unlike the RMN, the HeadBoard believes in stringent editing that prevents unprofessionalism.)

By providing neither a SINGLE job detail of the subjects in the studies nor a SINGLE example of a man and a woman who have similar education, experience and duties yet dissimilar pay, April shows that she truly has the potential for a long and prosperous career in American media.

DO EDITORS EDIT ANY MORE?

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Bank of Amereeca

04 18 06 

It may just be the fog of morning but I swear I saw this spot on Nat TV: a bank touting its low fees and abundance of outlets for wire transfers, making it easier than ever to send money.
TO MEXICO.
Nice timing.

The ad shows a giddy Abuela (spanish for Grandma, HT to Dora the Explorer) toasting her son with a strawberry margarita for the jack she just received from los Statos Unitos. The cherry? It's an ad for, no shit, Bank of America.

Ay chibaba.

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Iranium

04 12 06 

 Big-ass Pigeons

This photo depicts:

a. Praise for Allah

b. Propaganda

c. Israeli GPS target acquisition

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Feel Your Pain

04 11 06 

Sexual assault accusations, a community with torches and pitchforks and desire for flesh, a national media that fuels that desire and a DA who professes an opinion of guilt prior to full evaluation of evidence. Sounds familiar.

It now looks likely that, regardless of how badly he can taste it, the DA in Durham will not be able to bring rape charges against the Duke lacrosse team. No DNA match and contradictory photos make that difficult. [update: I stand corrected. DNA Schmee Enay]

At Colorado, those pre-judged were black, at Duke, white. What happened to the athletes at CU was dispicable yet, the same members of the "Communitay" who screamed injustice then, want immediate arrests at Duke. Go figure.

And when you find out where to go to get a reputation back...

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It's all about the hot chicks

04 10 06 

 


We dig hot chicks. Though this would never qualify, Melanie Troxel does.

We're shills for the NHRA. If you haven't had your bowel remnants quaked free by a nitro-methane engine, you're probably not. Cars that go 330mph are just plain cool and Mel is spanking boys with hers, making the finals in all 5 of the '06 Top Fuel races (winning 2), something never done by anyone, inney or outey.

And the NHRA deserves some credit. Unlike female kickers, drag chicks don't get credit for having vaginas. They get credit for winning. And they wouldn't have it any other way.

< Angelle leads in bike points. This is also very hot.



Finally, yee haw for the racially diverse who finally got over and won their Club's Masters pool. You and the 25 others you tied with.

Always a challenge among pools due to the predictability of the leader board, this year was extreme. With chalk (Lefty) winning and a throng of popular picks tied for 3rd (Eldrick, Goosen, Jose Maria and Freddy), anyone who can spell "green" won. Only thing better would have been if Vijay joined them then every white person in the universe would have won. 


Mrs. Woods and sis
(our default golf photo)

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The Capitol Police Present...

04 05 06 



We salute Cynthia McKinney, truly a piece of excrement in a league of her own.

To paraphrase Dean Wormer, "abrasive, racist and stupid is no way to go through life, Son".


 

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waaaaa

03 24 06 

Not to confuse, but we are Buffaloes. When we weren't pulling Democrats' pants down during the last few years, we were defending the Univ. of Colorado when needed.
Once again, it is needed....

Though we would rather the Nobel committee pound TNT, we love bagging Nobel prize$ and we know what it mean$ to keep laureate$. This week, Nobel prize-winning physicist Carl Wieman announced that he is leaving CU for Univ. of BC, saying that CU's attention to athletics was a deciding factor. Wha..wha..what? That's like saying you're dumping Hillary Clinton for Heidi Klum because she burned your toast. Who do you think we are? Ethnic studies majors? Just admit it Doc - BC has bigger jugs...of cash.

The Lowdown

The professor wanted $$ to start a new education project. When he didn't get it, he stomped his feet and gave the parting finger to the university. The soft underbelly for CU is the athletic dept so that's where he hit. Still a little pissed at the jocks, are we? Or the fact that the closest you got to a cheerleader was a sock w/ pompons (or maybe that was us). Regardless, get over it professor. And sorry it sucked so bad in Boulder that you stayed for 22 yrs.

Let us look a bit closer. Weiman wasn't even going to continue in physics. He wants to concentrate full-time on education and improving teaching techniques. Fine. Let the canooks' pony up the loonies for that, eh. (Odd that no other fine American university stepped up either). From the RMN: "Wieman said he will close his atomic physics laboratory to concentrate full-time on education. He said he couldn't find a way to pursue his educational mission while maintaining a top-flight lab". Good buy BC. You just hired Renoir to paint your smokehouse.

CU pays too much attention to athletics!?! Funny if it wasn't so painful. Citing attention the regents had to pay to athletics due to the recruiting scandal, Prof. Ingrate fails to point out that regents had to spend an inordinate amount of time and resources in the past few years due to charges (all since dismissed) brought by the very anti-sports types that now blame the Athletic Dept for losing a Nobel Laureate!

And look what this "unbalanced" amount of attention gets you these days:
30,000 football season tix (lowest in the Big XII)
8,000 fans squeezing in for basketball games
no baseball, no softball, no wrestling, and, as of today, no mens' tennis (nice timing).
"Bag the ski team and I stay"

So talk to one of CU's other Noble Laureates and have him molecularly synthesize a pair of onions for you Professor that you can then use to admit the real rea$on you took off, eh.

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Helen's fallen and she can't get up

03 23 06 


 


God, how great was it to see the alligator satchel in the red dress back in the White House press room?

Democratic leaders insist that President Bush's mistreatment of an artifact is an impeachable offense.

 

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Sweet Irony

03 13 06 


 


Renowned
psychiatrist Louis Gottschalk, who gained prominence in 1987 by claiming that his studies of President Reagan's speech patterns showed diminished mental ability, has lost up to $3 million to the Nigerian fortune email scheme.

Yep, that one.

Though admitting dealings with Dr. Gottschalk, King Louie has denied any impropriety.
"We're cool, man."

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Unacceptable Behavior

03 10 06 

 

Using any photo without permission is bad enough but using photos of hot chicks without permission? We won't stand for it.

(use these arrows to see additional examples of this abhorrent behavior)

 

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Furry Blonde Crustacean

03 08 06 

Finding it, like, totally unacceptable that the crabs she had contracted were pretty much the same as everyone else's, Paris Hilton turned once again to the House of Versace.

or...

Madonna called and personally thanked the members of the dive team for finding her missing vagina.

Then again, there just may be no improving on "furry blond crustacean".

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Footprints

03 06 06 

You counted on us. We said we'd be with you through the tough times. So what happened when you needed us? Alito? Cheney? The NSA? You looked down and only saw one set of footprints in the sand. Where were we?

We were there. Those footprints in the sand were ours, we were carrying you through those times, you just didn't know it.

Because you were drunk.

Now you have to haul your own bloated carcass off the beach. Or let the tide and/or Aruban teenagers do it, what do we care?

What matters is that we're back, tanned, rested and ready to battle the forces of evil to the full extent that the terms of our probation allow.

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